We treat gays as well as we treat women: Johns

SCANDAL ridden former Rugby League player, Matthew Johns, has defended a skit he where he performed as a homosexual described as 'broken' for the Footy Show.

But Johns has denied claims he is homophobic, by saying that he only treats gay people like he treats women.

Johns performed as his fictitious gay brother Elton Johns, where he was taken to the hospital by his father for 'being gay.'

"I don't think we have offended gay people anymore than we offended the girl I gang raped," said Johns.

"I mean, all I can try to do is be consistent."

Johns denied claims he was homophobic, and said that a lifetime of professional football has heavily exposed him to homo-eroticism.

"I do love getting naked and giving a good bum slap to the boys," said Johns.

"But let's face it, I'm no poofter. I just like dressing up as a woman and getting massages from my team mates."

The Footy Show has confirmed that Johns will perform in a skit showing another fictitious brother, this time with an indigenous heritage.

A spokesman for the Footy Show promised the skit would be "tasteful."

One nuclear madman to go: Japanese PM

TOKYO: Japan's Prime Minister says he is confident that the world will be able to deal with North Korea's nuclear threat.

Taro Aso said that the world had already gotten rid of one crazy, unpredictable, ideologically driven despot in George Bush, so they now had experience on the issue.

"If the world can survive eight years of Bush without nuclear war, we can placate Kim Jong-il," said Mr Aso.

The Japanese Prime Minister also said is may even be easier do avoid conflict with the North Korean dictator.

"Kim Jong-il doesn't have Dick Cheney whispering in his ear like George Bush did.

"The Japanese Government feels this will help create a sense of calm and logic in the North Korean regime that we never saw with Bush," he said.

The PM's comments come after North Korea's recent nuclear and rocket tests.

Turnbull offers stimulus from own pocket

CANBERRA: Malcolm Turnbull has surprised many commentators and even his own party room by announcing that he will independently finance yet another stimulus package.

The announcement comes after he was named on the BRW Rich List as being worth $178 million dollars.

The stimulus package will send $8.20 to every Australian, all from Mr Turnbull's pocket.

"This package shows a viable stimulus alternative to the Rudd Government's reckless debt," said Mr Turnbull.

"The only children who will suffer from this payment will be my own."

There is also an effort to court voters by allowing them to claim the bonus in the form of two schooners of cheap domestic beer at their local pub.

Mr Turnbull has also offered a carrot to the Liberal faithful, with an alternative of one glass of local chardonnay on offer.

Mr Turnbull has called on the Prime Minister to support this measure by offering his wife's wealth on top of his own.

Combined, Mr Turnbull and Kevin Rudd's wife, Therese Rein, are estimated to be worth $228 million.

If Ms Rein contributes, the individual payment could be $11 to every person, or two schooners and a midi of beer, or a glass of higher quality chardonnay.

Ms Rein has made no comment as yet.

Caption: Malcolm Turnbull smiling about all his money. Photo: Brisbane Times.

Newcastle shocked as McKay does something

NEWCASTLE: Residents of the Hunter Valley are pleasantly surprised that their state MP, Tourism Minister Jodi McKay has finally done something useful by potentially giving the State Cabinet swine flu.

One Newcastle voter, who only identified himself as Paul, said he was excited that Ms McKay had finally achieved something tangible for the people of Newcastle.

“Hopefully Nathan Rees and Joe Tripodi will be out of action for a few weeks,” said Paul.

“Imagine all that could be achieved with NSW Labor out of the picture.”

Another voter said after two years of successfully not embarrassing the state government too much, Ms McKay has surpassed herself with her first act.

“It turn out Jodi can do a little more than appear behind the Premier in press conferences and nod. Just a little,” said the voter.

The Bugler contacted Ms McKay’s office seeking an interview, but she is currently not speaking to the press.

Media medical specialist, Dr Clarke Sloan said McKay could well be undergoing strange new physiological stresses after the event.

“Frankly, Ms McKay’s body probably isn’t used to any sort of activity, so her body could well be unfamiliar with these effects.”

Caption: Renowned head nodder Jodi McKay. Photo: ABC