Gov questions Fielding's 'open mind'

CANBERRA: The Government is laughing off suggestions that Family First Senator Steve Fielding has an open mind about anything, let alone climate change.

A senior Government source told The Bugler that Fielding had built his career on small minded political opportunism, and he was unlikely to change that now.

"Take a look at his views on gay rights, abortion, the role of women. Open minded isn't something I think of when I hear Steve Fielding," the Government source said.

An Opposition source agreed with the assessment of Senator Fielding.

"He's so conservative, so close minded and pig headed. On top of that now he's denying climate change in man made. Why isn't he in the Liberal Party?"

A spokesman for Senator Fielding said the Victorian Senator had an open mind on many issues other than climate change, such as what restaurants to eat at and praying kneeling or sitting.

Sartor's grand plan

SYDNEY: Former New South Wales Planning Minister Frank Sartor has announced his grand plan for the State, in what is widely expected to be a precursor for a leadership challenge.

The plan is predicated on the belief that if Mr Sartor does win a leadership challenge, most of the population will move interstate, thereby reducing pressure on severely over loaded infrastructure.

One source close to the Sartor camp said this was an extremely well thought out and versatile plan.

"Imagine how much surgery waiting lists would be cut if the state suddenly lost a few million people," the source said.

"And getting out of Sydney on the Easter long weekend would be much, much easier.

"It's time that the people of New South Wales get a Premier that they really, really hate.

"Rees is doing okay, I mean most people dislike the guy, but he doesn't have that level of hatred that Sartor does. That's why he's the best man for the job."

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Fitzgibbon relied on spies to make declarations

CANBERRA: Recently resigned Minister for Defence, Joel Fitzgibbon says he believes he has not done anything wrong by not declaring several gifts to Parliament's pecuniary interests register.

Mr Fitzgibbon said he believed he didn't have to declare the gifts, as he thought the agents within the Defence Department that were spying on him would do this for him.

In his first interview after his resignation, given exclusively to The Bugler, the former Minister said his spies should have reported his financial arrangements.

"I mean, they're looking through my computer, going through my files and trawling my personal life. They really could have just declared a few gifts," said Mr Fitzgibbon.

"This really is an enormous stuff up, and I think a full and frank review would be appropriate."

"The Defence Signals Directorate, the military's spy agency, are to blame," said Mr Fitzgibbon.

Mr Fitzgibbon resigned earlier today after failing to declare a range of gifts.

Chaser skit was watered down

CONTROVERSIAL comedy team The Chaser are defending criticism of a skit encouraging terminally ill children to "make a realistic wish."

The Chaser have defended the skit, parodying the real life Make A Wish Foundation, by saying the script had been toned down enormously from the original concept.

Chaser team member Julian Morrow, who also doubles as the show's Executive Producer said the original concept for the sketch was a charity raising funds for euthanasia for terminally ill children.

The original script, obtained by The Bugler, shows terminally ill children looking into the camera asking people to donate to the charity because they couldn't stand being alive any longer.

"Frankly, I thought that was hilarious," said Morrow.

"But the hacks at the ABC thought it was inappropriate."

The controversial skit ended with the line 'Why go to the trouble when they're only going to die anyway? 

"Obviously this line was different in the original script," said Morrow. 

"The original skit closed with the line 'Going the extra mile for our sick young kids'. So when you think about it, the original script was probably more in keeping with what people want anyway."

There have been calls for The Chaser to be taken off the ABC after the skit was shown on Wednesday night after strong public outrage.

Nationals reject scare mongering with scare mongering

CANBERRA: The National Party has accused the Government of creating a climate change bogeyman, as the Carbon Pollution Reduction Scheme passed through the House of Representatives this morning.

Leader of the Nationals in the Senate, Barnaby Joyce, said the Government are giving into scare-mongering.

"Kevin Rudd says the world will end if this legislation doesn't get through. He wants voters to be like kids afraid of monsters under the bed.

"Scaring the electorate into agreeing with your standpoint is something the Nationals do not believe in," said Senator Joyce.

"But this legislation will cause a higher rate of childhood obesity, lead to more instances of global terrorism and swamp our country with boat people.

"The Government is being completely irresponsible with its rhetoric."

87% can't understand Joyce's insults: poll

CANBERRA: A new poll has revealed that a staggering 87 per cent of voters can't understand Senator Barnaby Joyce's insults.

The poll indicates that voters feel the insults are obscure and unnecessarily long winded.

The poll, conducted exclusively for The Bugler, reveals a huge communication problem for the leader of the National Party in the Senate.

When contacted by The Bugler for comment, a spokesperson for Senator Joyce refuted the poll, and said the results were "an opportunistic hyped-up tea cosy."

One Labor source said the party was not worried about Joyce's outbursts.

"People have to understand what you're saying for it to take effect," the source said.

"I mean, I see Barnaby's lips moving, and just hear white noise."

The poll comes after a range of obscure insults delivered by the Queensland Senator, primarily aimed at Kevin Rudd.

The Bugler's is excited to announce its first ever audience participation section. A shiny new penny for the person who can come up with the most Joyce-esque insult. The editor's decision is final and no correspondence will be entered into.