US speeds up adoption of Haitian orphans for Brangelina

PORT-AU-PRINCE, HAITI: Several western countries have announced plans to speed up the adoption process Haitian orphans in the wake of the recent earthquake.

The Bugler News can exclusively reveal that 97 percent of the orphans will be adopted by Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.

Good friends of the couple say that the two can't wait to add to their orphan collection.

“They’re working on the premise that they’ll get a double page colour photo spread in at least one magazine for each child they adopt,” a close friend said.

“So obviously Brangelina was pretty keen to adopt as many as possible.”

The friend to the couple said Brangelina made excellent parents to the other orphans they have adopted.

“Each kid they adopt gets a botox injection as they enter the house. You just don’t see that sort of love everyday.”

Brangelina’s latest adoptees will join six siblings, three of whom are adopted and three who are biological children of the star couple.

Hunger strike a ravishing success

COOMA, NSW: Farmer and protester Peter Spencer is declaring his hunger strike in protest of NSW land clearing laws a major success, despite failing to achieve any of his goals, nearly dying and appealing for meetings with a level of government that has nothing to do with land clearing.

Mr Spencer ended his hunger strike after 52 days at the top of a tower on his property at Shannons Flat, near Cooma in New South Wales.

Despite not winning a meeting with the Prime Minister or Climate Change Minister, Mr Spencer now plans to write a book on winning protest strategies, sources have said.

There are also rumours this book could be co-authored with protesters from Newcastle's Rising Tide, due to this groups effectiveness at achieving its goals.

Mr Spencer could also profit from his hunger strike by keeping a blog on a well known pro-anorexia website offering tips on how to successfully starve the human body.

Federal Opposition frontbencher Barnaby Joyce, who visited Mr Spencer, said he was surprised the Prime Minister had not met with the farmer.

"If there's one thing we should do in this country, it's cave into crazy demands from people prepared to do harm to their body." said Senator Joyce.

"That's what Australian mateship is all about."

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Editorial: The Bugler will keeps it integrity

Regular readers of The Bugler will have noticed some recent changes to our website.

Yes, we have decided to allow advertising on our hallowed news service, but rest assured, dear reader, this will not change the way we report stories one little bit.

We will not shy away from bringing you the big stories, for example, that Coles is now offering carrots at a low, low price of $1.49 a kilo.

We will be honest and open will all our stories and not let sponsorship change our reporting style, like saying that Qantas is the best airline in the world and can't be beaten on price or service.

I know that some people believe that once a media organisation accepts advertising they can no longer be truly independent, but look at those left wing hacks over at the ABC? Is that independence? I think not.

We're confident that these changes will keep you saying "Oh what a feeling, Toyota," as you drive around in your new Prius, the most fuel efficient car ever made.

On another note, The Bugler is now taking cash for comment. Please contact us for more information.

Japanese hunting Sea Shepherd "for scientific purposes"

THE JAPANESE whaling industry has said they are attacking and hunting environmental groups "purely for scientific purposes."

Japan's comments come after the collision between a 52-metre Japanese whaling ship, the Shonan Maru 2, and Sea Shepherd's Ady Gil near Antartica.

The Japanese Fishing Agency said there are important scientific studies being carried out by ramming protest boats.

"Firstly, we're testing the durability of both our ships and theirs, free of charge I might add. Secondly, we're seeing if boats explode when they collide like they do in James Bond films, and finally, we're seeing if hippies can swim," said a spokesperson for the Agency from Tokyo.

The Sea Shepherd captain, Paul Watson, rejected the scientific merit of Japan's experiments.

"There's no need to actually kill the protesters to achieve those scientific goals," he said.

"The Japanese whalers could simply anesthetise the protesters to achieve those goals, but instead they choose to inhumanely slaughter them," said Watson.

The Japanese Fishing Agency has a quota for brutally killing up to one thousand protesters this season.

Protester meat is considered a delicacy in Japan, partly due to the effects of eating someone who has smoked that much marijuana.

The meat is also said to be extremely tender and juicy due to the marijuana usage.

Man accused of using Facebook for legitimate networking

CALIFORNIA: Police are investigating claims that a man has used the social networking site Facebook for legitimate networking, as opposed to obsessive stalking.

Police allege the man used the website to make professional contacts and keep in touch with old friends.

A police spokesperson said the man had never even looked at all 673 photos of a person he was romantically interested in.

"We've never seen this sort of activity on Facebook before," the police spokesperson said.

There are also allegations that there were no drunk, lewd photos tagged on the man's profile.

The founder of Facebook, Mark Zuckerberg, said in a statement that he was appalled at the breach of protocol.

"Facebook was designed for the sole purpose of stalking," said Zuckerberg.

"This sort of legitimate activity will not be tolerated."

Both Zuckerberg and the police are urging the public to use Facebook for its proper use: stalking, intimidation and revenge.

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Rudd's book discusses the complementarities already inherent, in due season

CANBERRA: Every good story needs a good opening line, and the Prime Minister's children's book has one you'll never forget.

The Bugler News has gained an exclusive preview of Mr Rudd's book, titled The Life and Times of a Feline and a Canine Living in the Residence of A Commonwealth Head of Government: A Collection of Mildly Amusing Anecdotes.

The Prime Minister has used his own linguistic skills to ensure the book is accessible to pre-school aged children.

Mr Rudd has written the book about the life of his family's pets, Jasper the cat and Abby the dog, at his official residence in Canberra, and reels the audience in with the first line of "Jasper and Abby have a strong bi-lateral relationship with natural complementarity."

The story then delves into the "detailed programmatic specificity" of their day-to-day routine, before tension arises when Abby tells Jasper can only "prosecute their agenda of work in due season".

The rift between the pets of the Lodge deepens when Jasper and Abby are "unable to agree on sub-terms of reference," and Jasper argues that this will reduce public accountability.

But every good story needs a happy ending. Without giving too much away, Abby and Jasper are "able to strengthen the fabric of their bi-lateral security and further develop the habits of multilateral cooperation, and give each other a fair shake of the source bottle, mate."

The Prime Minister's book will be on sale in due season.

Caption: Rudd explains conceptual synthesis at a pre-school.