Gadaffi appoints Morrison as social cohesion minister

EMBATTLED Libyan leader Muammar Guddafi has approached Liberal frontbencher Scott Morrison to help unify his divided country.

A source close to Colonel Guddafi has told The Bugler the ageing dictator was impressed by Mr Morrison's ability to unite Australia in complete hatred of the Liberal MP.

"If we can only achieve the sort of purpose that the Australian's feel in their hatred of Morrison, Guddafi will be in power for another 40 years," the source said.

A senior Liberal party source close to Mr Morrison said the MP is considering the offer to help Guddafi.

"It's getting pretty messy in Libya, and obviously the chance to gun down hundreds of Muslims is something that really appeals to Scott.

"And now they're talking about mustard gas, Scott can barely contain himself.

"Plus he's really looking forward to working under a leader more mentally stable than Tony Abbott."

Mr Abbott is understood to be pleased with Mr Morrison's departure from the Australian Parliament.

"We also tried to offer Cory Bernardi, but the regime said they have some standards," the Liberal source said.

"However we're currently in negotiations with One Nation to swap Cory for more of their policies."

Watson setting new standards for hot sailors everywhere

A TEENAGE girl who is less attractive than Jessica Watson has become the youngest sailor to navigate the world solo, but no one cares.

The uglier teenager's trip came to a quiet and unnoticed end just a few weeks before her prettier colleague is scheduled to finish her voyage in front of dozens of TV cameras.

A Channel 9 source confirmed that Watson was definitely the flavour of the month.

"She's got that girl-next-door look going on, and at 16 she's all legal so the seedy old guys can fantasize about whatever they want," the source said.

Another source from an industry leading woman's magazine said Ms Watson has what it takes to get a a double page glossy colour spread.

"This other girl just isn't as pretty. I mean, let's not be sexist about it, but to make it in this industry you have to have the looks, even if you are 16."

Ms Watson is expected to attract a vast amount of media attention when she returns to Sydney at either the end of March or beginning of April.

She is expected to be approached with a variety of offers, including a book deal.

The Bugler News also understands Watson has been approached by a well known lads mag for a nude photo shoot.

"We really think she encapsulates that just post-pubescent look our readers long for," a source said.

US speeds up adoption of Haitian orphans for Brangelina

PORT-AU-PRINCE, HAITI: Several western countries have announced plans to speed up the adoption process Haitian orphans in the wake of the recent earthquake.

The Bugler News can exclusively reveal that 97 percent of the orphans will be adopted by Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.

Good friends of the couple say that the two can't wait to add to their orphan collection.

“They’re working on the premise that they’ll get a double page colour photo spread in at least one magazine for each child they adopt,” a close friend said.

“So obviously Brangelina was pretty keen to adopt as many as possible.”

The friend to the couple said Brangelina made excellent parents to the other orphans they have adopted.

“Each kid they adopt gets a botox injection as they enter the house. You just don’t see that sort of love everyday.”

Brangelina’s latest adoptees will join six siblings, three of whom are adopted and three who are biological children of the star couple.

Hunger strike a ravishing success

COOMA, NSW: Farmer and protester Peter Spencer is declaring his hunger strike in protest of NSW land clearing laws a major success, despite failing to achieve any of his goals, nearly dying and appealing for meetings with a level of government that has nothing to do with land clearing.

Mr Spencer ended his hunger strike after 52 days at the top of a tower on his property at Shannons Flat, near Cooma in New South Wales.

Despite not winning a meeting with the Prime Minister or Climate Change Minister, Mr Spencer now plans to write a book on winning protest strategies, sources have said.

There are also rumours this book could be co-authored with protesters from Newcastle's Rising Tide, due to this groups effectiveness at achieving its goals.

Mr Spencer could also profit from his hunger strike by keeping a blog on a well known pro-anorexia website offering tips on how to successfully starve the human body.

Federal Opposition frontbencher Barnaby Joyce, who visited Mr Spencer, said he was surprised the Prime Minister had not met with the farmer.

"If there's one thing we should do in this country, it's cave into crazy demands from people prepared to do harm to their body." said Senator Joyce.

"That's what Australian mateship is all about."

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Editorial: The Bugler will keeps it integrity

Regular readers of The Bugler will have noticed some recent changes to our website.

Yes, we have decided to allow advertising on our hallowed news service, but rest assured, dear reader, this will not change the way we report stories one little bit.

We will not shy away from bringing you the big stories, for example, that Coles is now offering carrots at a low, low price of $1.49 a kilo.

We will be honest and open will all our stories and not let sponsorship change our reporting style, like saying that Qantas is the best airline in the world and can't be beaten on price or service.

I know that some people believe that once a media organisation accepts advertising they can no longer be truly independent, but look at those left wing hacks over at the ABC? Is that independence? I think not.

We're confident that these changes will keep you saying "Oh what a feeling, Toyota," as you drive around in your new Prius, the most fuel efficient car ever made.

On another note, The Bugler is now taking cash for comment. Please contact us for more information.

Japanese hunting Sea Shepherd "for scientific purposes"

THE JAPANESE whaling industry has said they are attacking and hunting environmental groups "purely for scientific purposes."

Japan's comments come after the collision between a 52-metre Japanese whaling ship, the Shonan Maru 2, and Sea Shepherd's Ady Gil near Antartica.

The Japanese Fishing Agency said there are important scientific studies being carried out by ramming protest boats.

"Firstly, we're testing the durability of both our ships and theirs, free of charge I might add. Secondly, we're seeing if boats explode when they collide like they do in James Bond films, and finally, we're seeing if hippies can swim," said a spokesperson for the Agency from Tokyo.

The Sea Shepherd captain, Paul Watson, rejected the scientific merit of Japan's experiments.

"There's no need to actually kill the protesters to achieve those scientific goals," he said.

"The Japanese whalers could simply anesthetise the protesters to achieve those goals, but instead they choose to inhumanely slaughter them," said Watson.

The Japanese Fishing Agency has a quota for brutally killing up to one thousand protesters this season.

Protester meat is considered a delicacy in Japan, partly due to the effects of eating someone who has smoked that much marijuana.

The meat is also said to be extremely tender and juicy due to the marijuana usage.

Man accused of using Facebook for legitimate networking

CALIFORNIA: Police are investigating claims that a man has used the social networking site Facebook for legitimate networking, as opposed to obsessive stalking.

Police allege the man used the website to make professional contacts and keep in touch with old friends.

A police spokesperson said the man had never even looked at all 673 photos of a person he was romantically interested in.

"We've never seen this sort of activity on Facebook before," the police spokesperson said.

There are also allegations that there were no drunk, lewd photos tagged on the man's profile.

The founder of Facebook, Mark Zuckerberg, said in a statement that he was appalled at the breach of protocol.

"Facebook was designed for the sole purpose of stalking," said Zuckerberg.

"This sort of legitimate activity will not be tolerated."

Both Zuckerberg and the police are urging the public to use Facebook for its proper use: stalking, intimidation and revenge.

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Rudd's book discusses the complementarities already inherent, in due season

CANBERRA: Every good story needs a good opening line, and the Prime Minister's children's book has one you'll never forget.

The Bugler News has gained an exclusive preview of Mr Rudd's book, titled The Life and Times of a Feline and a Canine Living in the Residence of A Commonwealth Head of Government: A Collection of Mildly Amusing Anecdotes.

The Prime Minister has used his own linguistic skills to ensure the book is accessible to pre-school aged children.

Mr Rudd has written the book about the life of his family's pets, Jasper the cat and Abby the dog, at his official residence in Canberra, and reels the audience in with the first line of "Jasper and Abby have a strong bi-lateral relationship with natural complementarity."

The story then delves into the "detailed programmatic specificity" of their day-to-day routine, before tension arises when Abby tells Jasper can only "prosecute their agenda of work in due season".

The rift between the pets of the Lodge deepens when Jasper and Abby are "unable to agree on sub-terms of reference," and Jasper argues that this will reduce public accountability.

But every good story needs a happy ending. Without giving too much away, Abby and Jasper are "able to strengthen the fabric of their bi-lateral security and further develop the habits of multilateral cooperation, and give each other a fair shake of the source bottle, mate."

The Prime Minister's book will be on sale in due season.

Caption: Rudd explains conceptual synthesis at a pre-school.

Midnight Oil to re-release protest songs

CANBERRA: Federal Environment Minister Peter Garrett is tonight denying that he has backflipped on his personal beliefs by approving a new uranium mine in South Australia.

Mr Garret said his well known opposition to uranium mines as the lead singer of Midnight Oil was a non-core value.

The former rock star said that he has re-evaluated many of his beliefs since arriving in Federal Parliament, and this has led to speculation that Midnight Oil will re-release versions of several well known protest songs.

Mr Garrett is now questioning whether the apology to the Stolen Generation was really appropriate, and said he believes that James Hardie has done more than enough for asbestos victims.

"It's clear to me now that the US-Australia alliance is an important part to getting Labor re-elected, and as such I now love it," said Mr Garrett.

"It's also clear to me that the executives at Exxon are really quite a nice bunch of chaps, especially since they've donated heavily to the Labor Party."

Mr Garrett will push for a re-release of Midnight Oil's hit song US Forces, opening with the line 'US Forces give the nod / it's really quite a nice thing'.

The song Beds Are Burning, cited by former Primer Minister John Howard as his favourite Midnight Oil song, is also tipped to be re-released with the lines 'we can sleep very well while our beds are burning'.

Students fight for something to protest

CANBERRA: Students from around the nation are gathering in Canberra today to protest the lack of problems being generated by the Labor government.

With Australian troops withdrawn from Iraq, Voluntary Student Unionism repealed, and a federal apology to the stolen generation, students are finding fewer and fewer policies to protest by the day.

While students are pleased that the government has moved to remove same-sex couple discrimination from Commonwealth laws and introduce an Emissions Trading Scheme, it has left many student unions wondering what to do with their new found time.

President of the National Union of Students, David Barrow, said “They’re even looking at the rate of Youth Allowance in their tax review. What the hell are we supposed to do? Attend classes? Next they’ll be expecting us to show up sober.”

“We’re here today to demand a return to the Howard era that gave us so much good protest material,” said Barrow.

The lack of protest-worthy policy areas has led to campaigns such as the ill-fated ‘Fight for Your Right to Access Facebook from the Library’ campaign, and the lesser known ‘Students Demand Working Whiteboard Markers’ campaign.

“While I wouldn’t say these campaigns have failed, they do lack a certain pizzazz,” conceded Barrow.

Opposition leader Malcolm Turnbull has called on the government to tackle the students’ demands in a bipartisan manner, namely by adopting several of the Liberal Party’s policies.

“If the government were to lock up some refugee children and build a few nuclear power plants, this would almost certainly placate the protesters,” he said.

“That the Government is not doing this shows that it is out of touch with the wants of ordinary Australians.”

The Prime Minister responded by immediately organising a summit for next week to discuss the possibility of ordering an inquiry into the issue.

Shock change in cricket tour announced

CARDIFF, WALES: Cricket Australia and the English Cricket Board have stunned the cricket community today by announcing that the first Ashes test will be played between Australia and a Cardiff under 12s side, the Cardiff Cowboys.

Australian captain Ricky Ponting said he was glad to be playing against a team he felt he and his men could match.

“It is a bit of an insult, but it will be a good experience for the boys. It might mean Nathan Hauritz will finally take some wickets,” said Ponting.

The move comes after an extremely early exit from the Twenty 20 World Cup by the Australian side.

“I think over confidence is what has messed us up in the World Cup,” Ponting said.

“I haven’t seen a lot of the Cowboys, but we won’t be taking anything for granted. They look like a very competitive side, and they’ve certainly got a better spin attack than we do.”

Craig Dixon, a Brisbane man who travelled to the UK with a group of Australians for the World Cup and the Ashes, said he will be glad to see some good, competitive cricket.

“Yeh, it’s been pretty shithouse so far,” he said. “The Aussies just keep getting bowled out and stuff, and it’s not very interesting. Me and the boys have to get really pissed and yell out funny shit to the players, lol [sic] ‘cause it’s heaps boring.”

Airbus shares, planes drop like stones

TOULOUSE, FRANCE: Airbus shares have dropped almost as quickly as their planes after a series of midair incidents has raised questions about safety standards.

The European plane manufacturer has had its record tarnished by the general inability of their planes to stay in the air.

A spokesperson for the manufacturer said that it is a PR problem for an company to have planes that don’t fly, but they believed Airbus will reclaim it’s good reputation after the series of embarrassing events.

The midair dramas are affecting passenger confidence too. Shane Johnson recently returned from a Mad Monday trip to Bali with his local rugby league team and says he was most disappointed with the Airbus A330 he was on.

“The air hostesses weren’t really hot, and there were some blokes there too. It’s not right. Plus they cut me off after only eight VBs.”

The Airbus spokesperson would not comment on Mr Johnson’s complaints.

Obama presidency bad news for arms suppliers

WASHINGTON: The share price of nearly every arms manufacturer world wide has taken a sharp dive since Barrack Obama was elected President of the United States of America.

The arms industry has suffered a severe downturn now the Democratic President has pledged to stop invading oil rich countries.

One senior executive of a well known arms manufacturer, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said his company had experienced a massive drop in profits.

“We’ve just developed a new automatic rifle designed to kill over a hundred Muslims per minute. What the hell are we supposed to do now that diplomacy has re-entered our foreign policy strategy?” the unnamed executive said.

“Christ, I’ve got a wife and three kids to feed.”

The industry had donated generously to the McCain campaign, and even hired someone to follow Sarah Palin on the campaign trail and impersonate the voice of God, telling her which country He wanted invaded next.

Most arms manufacturers were also betting on a McCain administration reinvading Vietnam.

Since George Bush was elected in 2000, the share price of most arms manufacturers has risen a staggering 300 per cent. But now it seems the firearm bubble is about to burst.

However some in the industry hold hope that since that Barrack Obama has been elected, the number of white supremacists upgrading their old firearms has increased.

One executive told The Bugler of plans to develop a cross-industry television, radio and print advertising campaign by changing the popular Beatles’ tune Happiness is a Warm Gun to the slogan ‘Democracy is a Warm Gun.’

The big winner out of Obama’s victory are companies that own abortion clinics, who were fearing for their lives should Sarah Palin get anywhere near the White House.

“There were genuinely grave fears there for a while,” said one industry observer.

“It’s true that Democrats have more liberal attitudes to abortion than Republicans. And if Obama is anything like Clinton or Kennedy, we’re seriously thinking about setting up an clinic on Pennsylvania Avenue for White House interns,” said the industry observer.

I am not Paul Kelly: Paul Kelly

THREE Paul Kellys have held a joint press conference today to clarify to the public who is who.

Acclaimed musician Paul Kelly says he is sick of being told of the amazing influence he had on the Sydney Swans during his time as captain.

“I live in St. Kilda,” said Kelly said. “I hate the bloody swans.”

Political commentator and editor-at-large of The Australian, Paul Kelly said that like his two namesakes, he was tired of being mistaken for another Paul Kelly.

“Just the other day I was on Insiders and Glen Milne asked me to sing Dumb Things. Although, he was probably just pissed. He rushed the stage and challenged me to a fist fight afterwards.”

Former Sydney Swans captain Paul Kelly said he doesn’t know the first thing about politics and people should stop asking.

“I always thought MP stood for Massive Penis. That’s what me and the boys said when we were having a shower together after a big match. ‘Cause you see it on the tele, Kevin Rudd MP. I thought he was bragging.”

The Kellys have vowed to ignore poorly addressed questions or fan comments in the future.

Jackson a racist: Mr Squiggle

IN A further controversy following the death of Michael Jackson, the Australian TV icon Mr Squiggle has accused the King of Pop of having racist sentiments.

Mr Squiggle used his 50th birthday celebrations to accuse Jackson of stereotyping people from the moon with his famous moonwalk.

"The fact is that not all people on the moon walk that way," said Squiggle.

"I found it quite offensive. Imagine the outrage that would have been caused if I started doing a 'weird black-turned-white accused pedophile walk?'"

"You just can't make such brash generalisations about a group of people."

Mr Squiggle suggested that Jackson was also a self-hating black person, and that this may have been part of the reason he changed the pigment of his skin.

The well known TV personality turned 50 today, and used a press conference to make the attacks on the dead pop star.

Rudd blames media for Gategate

PRIME MINISTER Kevin Rudd has blamed the media for hyping up the so-called Utegate affair.

"How can newspapers today, for example, run stories based on forged emails and assume that they are simply accurate as The Courier-Mail has done in Brisbane?" Mr Rudd said on Brisbane radio.

"The media have totally hyped this up," he said.

"And what's with adding 'gate' to any sort of scandal? That's the real gate. Where is the coverage on Gategate?"

Gov questions Fielding's 'open mind'

CANBERRA: The Government is laughing off suggestions that Family First Senator Steve Fielding has an open mind about anything, let alone climate change.

A senior Government source told The Bugler that Fielding had built his career on small minded political opportunism, and he was unlikely to change that now.

"Take a look at his views on gay rights, abortion, the role of women. Open minded isn't something I think of when I hear Steve Fielding," the Government source said.

An Opposition source agreed with the assessment of Senator Fielding.

"He's so conservative, so close minded and pig headed. On top of that now he's denying climate change in man made. Why isn't he in the Liberal Party?"

A spokesman for Senator Fielding said the Victorian Senator had an open mind on many issues other than climate change, such as what restaurants to eat at and praying kneeling or sitting.

Sartor's grand plan

SYDNEY: Former New South Wales Planning Minister Frank Sartor has announced his grand plan for the State, in what is widely expected to be a precursor for a leadership challenge.

The plan is predicated on the belief that if Mr Sartor does win a leadership challenge, most of the population will move interstate, thereby reducing pressure on severely over loaded infrastructure.

One source close to the Sartor camp said this was an extremely well thought out and versatile plan.

"Imagine how much surgery waiting lists would be cut if the state suddenly lost a few million people," the source said.

"And getting out of Sydney on the Easter long weekend would be much, much easier.

"It's time that the people of New South Wales get a Premier that they really, really hate.

"Rees is doing okay, I mean most people dislike the guy, but he doesn't have that level of hatred that Sartor does. That's why he's the best man for the job."