Midnight Oil to re-release protest songs

CANBERRA: Federal Environment Minister Peter Garrett is tonight denying that he has backflipped on his personal beliefs by approving a new uranium mine in South Australia.

Mr Garret said his well known opposition to uranium mines as the lead singer of Midnight Oil was a non-core value.

The former rock star said that he has re-evaluated many of his beliefs since arriving in Federal Parliament, and this has led to speculation that Midnight Oil will re-release versions of several well known protest songs.

Mr Garrett is now questioning whether the apology to the Stolen Generation was really appropriate, and said he believes that James Hardie has done more than enough for asbestos victims.

"It's clear to me now that the US-Australia alliance is an important part to getting Labor re-elected, and as such I now love it," said Mr Garrett.

"It's also clear to me that the executives at Exxon are really quite a nice bunch of chaps, especially since they've donated heavily to the Labor Party."

Mr Garrett will push for a re-release of Midnight Oil's hit song US Forces, opening with the line 'US Forces give the nod / it's really quite a nice thing'.

The song Beds Are Burning, cited by former Primer Minister John Howard as his favourite Midnight Oil song, is also tipped to be re-released with the lines 'we can sleep very well while our beds are burning'.

Students fight for something to protest

CANBERRA: Students from around the nation are gathering in Canberra today to protest the lack of problems being generated by the Labor government.

With Australian troops withdrawn from Iraq, Voluntary Student Unionism repealed, and a federal apology to the stolen generation, students are finding fewer and fewer policies to protest by the day.

While students are pleased that the government has moved to remove same-sex couple discrimination from Commonwealth laws and introduce an Emissions Trading Scheme, it has left many student unions wondering what to do with their new found time.

President of the National Union of Students, David Barrow, said “They’re even looking at the rate of Youth Allowance in their tax review. What the hell are we supposed to do? Attend classes? Next they’ll be expecting us to show up sober.”

“We’re here today to demand a return to the Howard era that gave us so much good protest material,” said Barrow.

The lack of protest-worthy policy areas has led to campaigns such as the ill-fated ‘Fight for Your Right to Access Facebook from the Library’ campaign, and the lesser known ‘Students Demand Working Whiteboard Markers’ campaign.

“While I wouldn’t say these campaigns have failed, they do lack a certain pizzazz,” conceded Barrow.

Opposition leader Malcolm Turnbull has called on the government to tackle the students’ demands in a bipartisan manner, namely by adopting several of the Liberal Party’s policies.

“If the government were to lock up some refugee children and build a few nuclear power plants, this would almost certainly placate the protesters,” he said.

“That the Government is not doing this shows that it is out of touch with the wants of ordinary Australians.”

The Prime Minister responded by immediately organising a summit for next week to discuss the possibility of ordering an inquiry into the issue.

Shock change in cricket tour announced

CARDIFF, WALES: Cricket Australia and the English Cricket Board have stunned the cricket community today by announcing that the first Ashes test will be played between Australia and a Cardiff under 12s side, the Cardiff Cowboys.

Australian captain Ricky Ponting said he was glad to be playing against a team he felt he and his men could match.

“It is a bit of an insult, but it will be a good experience for the boys. It might mean Nathan Hauritz will finally take some wickets,” said Ponting.

The move comes after an extremely early exit from the Twenty 20 World Cup by the Australian side.

“I think over confidence is what has messed us up in the World Cup,” Ponting said.

“I haven’t seen a lot of the Cowboys, but we won’t be taking anything for granted. They look like a very competitive side, and they’ve certainly got a better spin attack than we do.”

Craig Dixon, a Brisbane man who travelled to the UK with a group of Australians for the World Cup and the Ashes, said he will be glad to see some good, competitive cricket.

“Yeh, it’s been pretty shithouse so far,” he said. “The Aussies just keep getting bowled out and stuff, and it’s not very interesting. Me and the boys have to get really pissed and yell out funny shit to the players, lol [sic] ‘cause it’s heaps boring.”

Airbus shares, planes drop like stones

TOULOUSE, FRANCE: Airbus shares have dropped almost as quickly as their planes after a series of midair incidents has raised questions about safety standards.

The European plane manufacturer has had its record tarnished by the general inability of their planes to stay in the air.

A spokesperson for the manufacturer said that it is a PR problem for an company to have planes that don’t fly, but they believed Airbus will reclaim it’s good reputation after the series of embarrassing events.

The midair dramas are affecting passenger confidence too. Shane Johnson recently returned from a Mad Monday trip to Bali with his local rugby league team and says he was most disappointed with the Airbus A330 he was on.

“The air hostesses weren’t really hot, and there were some blokes there too. It’s not right. Plus they cut me off after only eight VBs.”

The Airbus spokesperson would not comment on Mr Johnson’s complaints.

Obama presidency bad news for arms suppliers

WASHINGTON: The share price of nearly every arms manufacturer world wide has taken a sharp dive since Barrack Obama was elected President of the United States of America.

The arms industry has suffered a severe downturn now the Democratic President has pledged to stop invading oil rich countries.

One senior executive of a well known arms manufacturer, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said his company had experienced a massive drop in profits.

“We’ve just developed a new automatic rifle designed to kill over a hundred Muslims per minute. What the hell are we supposed to do now that diplomacy has re-entered our foreign policy strategy?” the unnamed executive said.

“Christ, I’ve got a wife and three kids to feed.”

The industry had donated generously to the McCain campaign, and even hired someone to follow Sarah Palin on the campaign trail and impersonate the voice of God, telling her which country He wanted invaded next.

Most arms manufacturers were also betting on a McCain administration reinvading Vietnam.

Since George Bush was elected in 2000, the share price of most arms manufacturers has risen a staggering 300 per cent. But now it seems the firearm bubble is about to burst.

However some in the industry hold hope that since that Barrack Obama has been elected, the number of white supremacists upgrading their old firearms has increased.

One executive told The Bugler of plans to develop a cross-industry television, radio and print advertising campaign by changing the popular Beatles’ tune Happiness is a Warm Gun to the slogan ‘Democracy is a Warm Gun.’

The big winner out of Obama’s victory are companies that own abortion clinics, who were fearing for their lives should Sarah Palin get anywhere near the White House.

“There were genuinely grave fears there for a while,” said one industry observer.

“It’s true that Democrats have more liberal attitudes to abortion than Republicans. And if Obama is anything like Clinton or Kennedy, we’re seriously thinking about setting up an clinic on Pennsylvania Avenue for White House interns,” said the industry observer.

I am not Paul Kelly: Paul Kelly

THREE Paul Kellys have held a joint press conference today to clarify to the public who is who.

Acclaimed musician Paul Kelly says he is sick of being told of the amazing influence he had on the Sydney Swans during his time as captain.

“I live in St. Kilda,” said Kelly said. “I hate the bloody swans.”

Political commentator and editor-at-large of The Australian, Paul Kelly said that like his two namesakes, he was tired of being mistaken for another Paul Kelly.

“Just the other day I was on Insiders and Glen Milne asked me to sing Dumb Things. Although, he was probably just pissed. He rushed the stage and challenged me to a fist fight afterwards.”

Former Sydney Swans captain Paul Kelly said he doesn’t know the first thing about politics and people should stop asking.

“I always thought MP stood for Massive Penis. That’s what me and the boys said when we were having a shower together after a big match. ‘Cause you see it on the tele, Kevin Rudd MP. I thought he was bragging.”

The Kellys have vowed to ignore poorly addressed questions or fan comments in the future.

Jackson a racist: Mr Squiggle

IN A further controversy following the death of Michael Jackson, the Australian TV icon Mr Squiggle has accused the King of Pop of having racist sentiments.

Mr Squiggle used his 50th birthday celebrations to accuse Jackson of stereotyping people from the moon with his famous moonwalk.

"The fact is that not all people on the moon walk that way," said Squiggle.

"I found it quite offensive. Imagine the outrage that would have been caused if I started doing a 'weird black-turned-white accused pedophile walk?'"

"You just can't make such brash generalisations about a group of people."

Mr Squiggle suggested that Jackson was also a self-hating black person, and that this may have been part of the reason he changed the pigment of his skin.

The well known TV personality turned 50 today, and used a press conference to make the attacks on the dead pop star.

Rudd blames media for Gategate

PRIME MINISTER Kevin Rudd has blamed the media for hyping up the so-called Utegate affair.

"How can newspapers today, for example, run stories based on forged emails and assume that they are simply accurate as The Courier-Mail has done in Brisbane?" Mr Rudd said on Brisbane radio.

"The media have totally hyped this up," he said.

"And what's with adding 'gate' to any sort of scandal? That's the real gate. Where is the coverage on Gategate?"

Gov questions Fielding's 'open mind'

CANBERRA: The Government is laughing off suggestions that Family First Senator Steve Fielding has an open mind about anything, let alone climate change.

A senior Government source told The Bugler that Fielding had built his career on small minded political opportunism, and he was unlikely to change that now.

"Take a look at his views on gay rights, abortion, the role of women. Open minded isn't something I think of when I hear Steve Fielding," the Government source said.

An Opposition source agreed with the assessment of Senator Fielding.

"He's so conservative, so close minded and pig headed. On top of that now he's denying climate change in man made. Why isn't he in the Liberal Party?"

A spokesman for Senator Fielding said the Victorian Senator had an open mind on many issues other than climate change, such as what restaurants to eat at and praying kneeling or sitting.

Sartor's grand plan

SYDNEY: Former New South Wales Planning Minister Frank Sartor has announced his grand plan for the State, in what is widely expected to be a precursor for a leadership challenge.

The plan is predicated on the belief that if Mr Sartor does win a leadership challenge, most of the population will move interstate, thereby reducing pressure on severely over loaded infrastructure.

One source close to the Sartor camp said this was an extremely well thought out and versatile plan.

"Imagine how much surgery waiting lists would be cut if the state suddenly lost a few million people," the source said.

"And getting out of Sydney on the Easter long weekend would be much, much easier.

"It's time that the people of New South Wales get a Premier that they really, really hate.

"Rees is doing okay, I mean most people dislike the guy, but he doesn't have that level of hatred that Sartor does. That's why he's the best man for the job."

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Fitzgibbon relied on spies to make declarations

CANBERRA: Recently resigned Minister for Defence, Joel Fitzgibbon says he believes he has not done anything wrong by not declaring several gifts to Parliament's pecuniary interests register.

Mr Fitzgibbon said he believed he didn't have to declare the gifts, as he thought the agents within the Defence Department that were spying on him would do this for him.

In his first interview after his resignation, given exclusively to The Bugler, the former Minister said his spies should have reported his financial arrangements.

"I mean, they're looking through my computer, going through my files and trawling my personal life. They really could have just declared a few gifts," said Mr Fitzgibbon.

"This really is an enormous stuff up, and I think a full and frank review would be appropriate."

"The Defence Signals Directorate, the military's spy agency, are to blame," said Mr Fitzgibbon.

Mr Fitzgibbon resigned earlier today after failing to declare a range of gifts.

Chaser skit was watered down

CONTROVERSIAL comedy team The Chaser are defending criticism of a skit encouraging terminally ill children to "make a realistic wish."

The Chaser have defended the skit, parodying the real life Make A Wish Foundation, by saying the script had been toned down enormously from the original concept.

Chaser team member Julian Morrow, who also doubles as the show's Executive Producer said the original concept for the sketch was a charity raising funds for euthanasia for terminally ill children.

The original script, obtained by The Bugler, shows terminally ill children looking into the camera asking people to donate to the charity because they couldn't stand being alive any longer.

"Frankly, I thought that was hilarious," said Morrow.

"But the hacks at the ABC thought it was inappropriate."

The controversial skit ended with the line 'Why go to the trouble when they're only going to die anyway? 

"Obviously this line was different in the original script," said Morrow. 

"The original skit closed with the line 'Going the extra mile for our sick young kids'. So when you think about it, the original script was probably more in keeping with what people want anyway."

There have been calls for The Chaser to be taken off the ABC after the skit was shown on Wednesday night after strong public outrage.

Nationals reject scare mongering with scare mongering

CANBERRA: The National Party has accused the Government of creating a climate change bogeyman, as the Carbon Pollution Reduction Scheme passed through the House of Representatives this morning.

Leader of the Nationals in the Senate, Barnaby Joyce, said the Government are giving into scare-mongering.

"Kevin Rudd says the world will end if this legislation doesn't get through. He wants voters to be like kids afraid of monsters under the bed.

"Scaring the electorate into agreeing with your standpoint is something the Nationals do not believe in," said Senator Joyce.

"But this legislation will cause a higher rate of childhood obesity, lead to more instances of global terrorism and swamp our country with boat people.

"The Government is being completely irresponsible with its rhetoric."

87% can't understand Joyce's insults: poll

CANBERRA: A new poll has revealed that a staggering 87 per cent of voters can't understand Senator Barnaby Joyce's insults.

The poll indicates that voters feel the insults are obscure and unnecessarily long winded.

The poll, conducted exclusively for The Bugler, reveals a huge communication problem for the leader of the National Party in the Senate.

When contacted by The Bugler for comment, a spokesperson for Senator Joyce refuted the poll, and said the results were "an opportunistic hyped-up tea cosy."

One Labor source said the party was not worried about Joyce's outbursts.

"People have to understand what you're saying for it to take effect," the source said.

"I mean, I see Barnaby's lips moving, and just hear white noise."

The poll comes after a range of obscure insults delivered by the Queensland Senator, primarily aimed at Kevin Rudd.

The Bugler's is excited to announce its first ever audience participation section. A shiny new penny for the person who can come up with the most Joyce-esque insult. The editor's decision is final and no correspondence will be entered into.

We treat gays as well as we treat women: Johns

SCANDAL ridden former Rugby League player, Matthew Johns, has defended a skit he where he performed as a homosexual described as 'broken' for the Footy Show.

But Johns has denied claims he is homophobic, by saying that he only treats gay people like he treats women.

Johns performed as his fictitious gay brother Elton Johns, where he was taken to the hospital by his father for 'being gay.'

"I don't think we have offended gay people anymore than we offended the girl I gang raped," said Johns.

"I mean, all I can try to do is be consistent."

Johns denied claims he was homophobic, and said that a lifetime of professional football has heavily exposed him to homo-eroticism.

"I do love getting naked and giving a good bum slap to the boys," said Johns.

"But let's face it, I'm no poofter. I just like dressing up as a woman and getting massages from my team mates."

The Footy Show has confirmed that Johns will perform in a skit showing another fictitious brother, this time with an indigenous heritage.

A spokesman for the Footy Show promised the skit would be "tasteful."

One nuclear madman to go: Japanese PM

TOKYO: Japan's Prime Minister says he is confident that the world will be able to deal with North Korea's nuclear threat.

Taro Aso said that the world had already gotten rid of one crazy, unpredictable, ideologically driven despot in George Bush, so they now had experience on the issue.

"If the world can survive eight years of Bush without nuclear war, we can placate Kim Jong-il," said Mr Aso.

The Japanese Prime Minister also said is may even be easier do avoid conflict with the North Korean dictator.

"Kim Jong-il doesn't have Dick Cheney whispering in his ear like George Bush did.

"The Japanese Government feels this will help create a sense of calm and logic in the North Korean regime that we never saw with Bush," he said.

The PM's comments come after North Korea's recent nuclear and rocket tests.

Turnbull offers stimulus from own pocket

CANBERRA: Malcolm Turnbull has surprised many commentators and even his own party room by announcing that he will independently finance yet another stimulus package.

The announcement comes after he was named on the BRW Rich List as being worth $178 million dollars.

The stimulus package will send $8.20 to every Australian, all from Mr Turnbull's pocket.

"This package shows a viable stimulus alternative to the Rudd Government's reckless debt," said Mr Turnbull.

"The only children who will suffer from this payment will be my own."

There is also an effort to court voters by allowing them to claim the bonus in the form of two schooners of cheap domestic beer at their local pub.

Mr Turnbull has also offered a carrot to the Liberal faithful, with an alternative of one glass of local chardonnay on offer.

Mr Turnbull has called on the Prime Minister to support this measure by offering his wife's wealth on top of his own.

Combined, Mr Turnbull and Kevin Rudd's wife, Therese Rein, are estimated to be worth $228 million.

If Ms Rein contributes, the individual payment could be $11 to every person, or two schooners and a midi of beer, or a glass of higher quality chardonnay.

Ms Rein has made no comment as yet.

Caption: Malcolm Turnbull smiling about all his money. Photo: Brisbane Times.

Newcastle shocked as McKay does something

NEWCASTLE: Residents of the Hunter Valley are pleasantly surprised that their state MP, Tourism Minister Jodi McKay has finally done something useful by potentially giving the State Cabinet swine flu.

One Newcastle voter, who only identified himself as Paul, said he was excited that Ms McKay had finally achieved something tangible for the people of Newcastle.

“Hopefully Nathan Rees and Joe Tripodi will be out of action for a few weeks,” said Paul.

“Imagine all that could be achieved with NSW Labor out of the picture.”

Another voter said after two years of successfully not embarrassing the state government too much, Ms McKay has surpassed herself with her first act.

“It turn out Jodi can do a little more than appear behind the Premier in press conferences and nod. Just a little,” said the voter.

The Bugler contacted Ms McKay’s office seeking an interview, but she is currently not speaking to the press.

Media medical specialist, Dr Clarke Sloan said McKay could well be undergoing strange new physiological stresses after the event.

“Frankly, Ms McKay’s body probably isn’t used to any sort of activity, so her body could well be unfamiliar with these effects.”

Caption: Renowned head nodder Jodi McKay. Photo: ABC